That's me about three weeks ago.
Some of you may or may not know . . . I'm black.
I've been around horses most of my life. I had an uncle who had them and we rode EVERY chance we got. Most of the riding that we did was trail riding on his 92 acres. His ranch was kind of a destination ranch/meeting ground, so we never had to leave. We went to the Cowboys of Color Rodeo every year, but that was the extent of my exposure to rodeo.
He passed when I was about 13 and by the time I was 15 we had sold all of the horses and I wasn't riding anymore. I spent the next 12 years cheerleading, hanging out with friends, in college, yadda yadda yadda . . . Always feeling like something was missing from my life. When I was 27, I finally had enough money to do it so I bought my first horse. Punkin
I had no idea what I was going to do with her, I just wanted a horse. So we tooled around a lot at our little barn and rode around there. I started looking for other things to do with her so she wouldn't be so bored, and low and behold . . . she was already trained to run barrels. We took some lessons, started riding at friend's arenas . . . and I was smitten. We started getting legged up and ready to go to rodeos the next season, and jackpots seemed like a logical step in our prep work. I needed to work off the competition jitters, and get a feel for what speed really felt like.
That was the first time I was faced with it . . . the first time I felt it . . . the first time I heard it.
Disapproving looks, blatant rude behavior, being looked at like a two headed monster . . .
Now mama always told me that no matter the circumstance, "smile - it increases your face value". She also taught me that you can't make someone like you . . . "but you can kill em' with kindness." So at every turn I am friendly and affable. I say hello to everyone I make eye contact with, or at least offer a smile. And that was the case one day at a local barrel race. I'd often go with a good friend of mine, and as we passed a group of ladies I smiled and said hello.
They just stared.
I just laughed it off and kept walking until I actually heard one of them say, "What they hell are THEY doing here."
I couldn't resist going back and saying, "Oh didn't you know? We came to steal your trucks and trailers while you're in here running."
Didn't really do my mama so proud on the "kill em with kindness" thing.
A couple weeks ago, I was at Wade's arena and I spoke to a girl in the warm up pen. I don't recall what exactly I said to her, something along the lines of how cold it was . . . and she looked at me like I should be struck with lightning for daring to speak to her. I was secretly happy when her run wasn't very good.
Now, I'm not ignorant. I know that seeing "us" at events is off putting to some people. I know that it's going to take a while for acceptance to grow. So while I sometimes feel stung, and the need to sting back . . . I don't really trip on it. I just move on past it. That is a part of rodeo right now, and it will take a while for things to get better.
Where I am having trouble moving past the stinging things is in the rest of life, specifically here. I am having trouble with people making comments that I am sure they think are just fine, and if they weren't in mixed company they probably would be. But in the presence of people of other races, those things are not okay. I hear them say things and think to myself, "if she'll say this in my face . . . what the hell is she saying when I'm not around?" Comments that perhaps they think are funny, and other people laugh . . . but to me there is nothing to laugh about because the comment exhibits under currents of racism.
Based on the treatment I've received at events, and the fact that we are a community of at least SOME of those same poeple . . . I'm a little uncomfortable today, and I just wanted to put that out there.
